You asked me why? I couldn't answer

How could I let this happen? How could I let my fear become my reality? my biggest fear is losing the people who I love...I let something take over my life because I did not know how to stop... people asked me why? I couldn't give an answer.. what once filled my heart has now left it, and now I feel empty inside.I have a freedom now that I have not felt in a long time,but now there is a void...I have tried my hardest to keep the people who I cared about and loved, as close to me as possible, so they would not leave me, I hurt allot of people by doing so..people want answers from me, and they ask why? I could not give an answer at first... once i seen the hurt in people, the tears they cried, the anger they were feeling, because of me... I felt broken... these people loved me me for me, cared about me, and would do anything for me, I felt the same way towards them. truth is they never planned on leaving me..

You asked me why? I didn't answer, I did not know how to answer... I felt overwhelmed at that moment... I felt like I was not aloud to cry, Like I was not aloud to get angry, and like I was not aloud to react, because I did all this to my self..... But I am hurting, knowing I hurt everyone that I loved!

When I was in the 8th grade there was a kid his name was Devon rape, he went to Bellview middle school with me. He had so many friends, and a great family. One night him and his friend jimmy were walking down Muldoon, rd in Pensacola Fl, right by Sulfley field, and mobile highway, a truck hit him. he was takin' to sacred heart hospital, he was put on life support. I sat in that room with him, and his friends, and his family, for two days... I watched them take him off of life support, knowing he was going to die, knowing that there was nothing anyone could do to save his life... I watched his whole body tense up as he took his last breath. I stood there and watched his mom lay on top of him because she couldn't bring her son back... I remember the music in the back ground, his favorite person, his favorite song, the ring of fire by Johnny Cash.... it was on the radieo, I think his mom might have put it on for him...I felt helpless, I felt empty, He was so young, and his life was gone just like that... it was a horrible feeling.. to watch someone die, and there is nothing that you can do to help them.... That day changed my life.... ever since then I have been so determined to keep the ones I loved and cared about as close to me as possible... because I was so afraid of losing them. It didn't matter if I had to lie, whatever it took, to keep them there with me, I didn't care... eventually the lying got way out of control, and it just became a habit. I couldn't stop, it was like I felt if something wasn't going on, then the ones I loved would leave me..... But I was wrong!! very wrong!!! truth is, now they are gone, and I can not even face them, because I see the hurt, and I feel like I am about to lose everyone I love..... Because I let my fear control my life........

when I was in the tenth or 11nth grade my friend Justin who went to Milton high with me died from a Meth overdose, but later his parents said it was from a brain aniuerism.... I really took a toll on me, because And that is when I really became protective over friends, and really had to have control over things, because if i had control, i felt like nothing bad could happen.... I was wrong

That is one part of it... They other part wich is where me pushing my family away comes in at.... well I guess for now only me and my sister Jess will ever really know, well now my mom.... but I still don't know what to think, even though we have talked, and things were addressed, it has really affected me, because For so long I never knew what to think.... and that is why I separated myself, from my family.... That, and no one knew about "tom" and to my family, I never addressed the issue, because, well I was little, and the the older I got, The more embarrasing it was for me to talk about with anyone....

I feel free because Now I can be myself, and I have a spirit of truth that dwells in me, and I have no more burdens to carry that are of my own.....

I hope to one day mend the relationships that I have broken, fix the hearts that I have hurt, And one day I hope people, are able to see the real me, who loves, and cares, who is selfless, and would do anything for anyone!!

For now all I can do Is be patient, and trust God..... He set me free, was I ready, well I may not have thought I was at the time, but God knew otherwise.....

All I can do now is say how sorry I am...... and that I truly care about my church, and my friends, and all the people who I hurt, over the years....

I hope that you see the real me now!! I hope that you can see the changes that are going to take place in my life....

Brittany's thought

I'm sitting here it is 4:08 am. I am looking through my bible, where I keep all my spirtitual thoughts, and I run across these two pieces of paper.... one says this...

Satan has my feet chained to the floor, but my hands are still up praising the lord. half my heart black, and half my heart pure, searching and searching trying to find a cure. And I know the only cure is salvation, but how can I be saved if I am standing with satan at his station?

and the other says this...

God when will things change? Though I ask for forgiveness, nothing changes, I still feel the same. like my soul is condemed to hell, because I feel that I can not be forgiven. Until I confess to everyone, I don't feel I can be truley forgivin. And honestly I am not ready to tell anyone. So why I sit here with these burdens on my back, satan has a hold of my life, and he has me in these chains, that I can not break free from. God what do I do? I want to be your servant, but I know you can not fully use me, and I can never fully serve you, until I am forgiven, and satan is removed from my life... and I wrote that on feb 13.....

I am not saying that satan dwells in me, what I am saying is this...

I knew I wasn't living a good life, even though I loved God so much, and with allot of passion, my life was not where it fully needed to be, and that is why I could never move foward, and really live for God like he wanted me to. My questions to myself are... why did I wait so long to try to change what I knew was destroying me as a person? Why did I let it go so far, and get the best of me? Why couldn't I just trust God then, instead of waiting? There were so many opportunities, to make my life right, and I just turned them all away....

Never have I ever been able to say that I truly trust God UNTIL NOW!


You know I sit here, and ponder on all the years of my life that I have wasted... I see all these people hurting, because of me.

I can not even imagine how God has felt this whole time... really How hurt has he been? This whole time, he has loved me, never left myside, has helped me through so many situations, that I even question, why God? He has never givin up on me, He has loved me unconditionally... what have I done for him? Turned my back? I do admit I love God with all my heart, but at the same time, can I really say that? If all I have done, is be selfish, and live for me, and not for him? when he reached out, I didn't take his hand. when he said brittany I love you, I want you, I responded with a God I don't want to trust you, cause I'm afraid of the outcomes....

I feel like I have been chained to the world for a long time.... my hands out streched to heaven, reaching for God, but my feet never moving from the spot they were in... the bible says eventually your sin will find you out... wether it be hereon Earth or in Heaven, I can not even began to tell you how true that is!!!!

I have alot of things that I need to change, and do, to become who God desighned brittany to be, and not Britt'knee.............

I will say this...

Don't ever wait and say not now God, when God is reaching out for you, and telling you to come... lets make things new...

my missing puzzle piece

For a long time, my life had this huge void in it. I tried to fill that void with so many different things, In so many different ways, because that emptiness was destroying me and who I was. Nothing made me feel whole, I just felt so empty inside, I felf alone, I felt like no body cared, about the struggels I was facing. I felt like the whole world was against me, and that God didn't love me. I was surrounded by nothing but negative things. I searched and searched, for ways to make my life seem like it was actually worth something, but I could never seem to find was I was looking for. recently I decided hmm what do I have to lose, So I started to seek God more then ever. Reading my bible, Praying, Worshiping hours at a time......... It wasn't until this past Sunday I was in church, and something was just like, It's okay to let go, and worship God freeley, And for the first time, I actually worshiped God with out holding back, with out worrying what others where thinking, with out worrying about well I sure hope no one prays for me, cause If you know me, then you know that I never was really into that hole letting people pray over me deal. But this time, I didn't care, this time, it was just me and God at that moment, And for the first time, in a long time, That void wasn't there, I felt complete, I felt satisfied...... IT FELT AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!