You asked me why? I couldn't answer

How could I let this happen? How could I let my fear become my reality? my biggest fear is losing the people who I love...I let something take over my life because I did not know how to stop... people asked me why? I couldn't give an answer.. what once filled my heart has now left it, and now I feel empty inside.I have a freedom now that I have not felt in a long time,but now there is a void...I have tried my hardest to keep the people who I cared about and loved, as close to me as possible, so they would not leave me, I hurt allot of people by doing so..people want answers from me, and they ask why? I could not give an answer at first... once i seen the hurt in people, the tears they cried, the anger they were feeling, because of me... I felt broken... these people loved me me for me, cared about me, and would do anything for me, I felt the same way towards them. truth is they never planned on leaving me..

You asked me why? I didn't answer, I did not know how to answer... I felt overwhelmed at that moment... I felt like I was not aloud to cry, Like I was not aloud to get angry, and like I was not aloud to react, because I did all this to my self..... But I am hurting, knowing I hurt everyone that I loved!

When I was in the 8th grade there was a kid his name was Devon rape, he went to Bellview middle school with me. He had so many friends, and a great family. One night him and his friend jimmy were walking down Muldoon, rd in Pensacola Fl, right by Sulfley field, and mobile highway, a truck hit him. he was takin' to sacred heart hospital, he was put on life support. I sat in that room with him, and his friends, and his family, for two days... I watched them take him off of life support, knowing he was going to die, knowing that there was nothing anyone could do to save his life... I watched his whole body tense up as he took his last breath. I stood there and watched his mom lay on top of him because she couldn't bring her son back... I remember the music in the back ground, his favorite person, his favorite song, the ring of fire by Johnny Cash.... it was on the radieo, I think his mom might have put it on for him...I felt helpless, I felt empty, He was so young, and his life was gone just like that... it was a horrible feeling.. to watch someone die, and there is nothing that you can do to help them.... That day changed my life.... ever since then I have been so determined to keep the ones I loved and cared about as close to me as possible... because I was so afraid of losing them. It didn't matter if I had to lie, whatever it took, to keep them there with me, I didn't care... eventually the lying got way out of control, and it just became a habit. I couldn't stop, it was like I felt if something wasn't going on, then the ones I loved would leave me..... But I was wrong!! very wrong!!! truth is, now they are gone, and I can not even face them, because I see the hurt, and I feel like I am about to lose everyone I love..... Because I let my fear control my life........

when I was in the tenth or 11nth grade my friend Justin who went to Milton high with me died from a Meth overdose, but later his parents said it was from a brain aniuerism.... I really took a toll on me, because And that is when I really became protective over friends, and really had to have control over things, because if i had control, i felt like nothing bad could happen.... I was wrong

That is one part of it... They other part wich is where me pushing my family away comes in at.... well I guess for now only me and my sister Jess will ever really know, well now my mom.... but I still don't know what to think, even though we have talked, and things were addressed, it has really affected me, because For so long I never knew what to think.... and that is why I separated myself, from my family.... That, and no one knew about "tom" and to my family, I never addressed the issue, because, well I was little, and the the older I got, The more embarrasing it was for me to talk about with anyone....

I feel free because Now I can be myself, and I have a spirit of truth that dwells in me, and I have no more burdens to carry that are of my own.....

I hope to one day mend the relationships that I have broken, fix the hearts that I have hurt, And one day I hope people, are able to see the real me, who loves, and cares, who is selfless, and would do anything for anyone!!

For now all I can do Is be patient, and trust God..... He set me free, was I ready, well I may not have thought I was at the time, but God knew otherwise.....

All I can do now is say how sorry I am...... and that I truly care about my church, and my friends, and all the people who I hurt, over the years....

I hope that you see the real me now!! I hope that you can see the changes that are going to take place in my life....