Brittany's thought

I'm sitting here it is 4:08 am. I am looking through my bible, where I keep all my spirtitual thoughts, and I run across these two pieces of paper.... one says this...

Satan has my feet chained to the floor, but my hands are still up praising the lord. half my heart black, and half my heart pure, searching and searching trying to find a cure. And I know the only cure is salvation, but how can I be saved if I am standing with satan at his station?

and the other says this...

God when will things change? Though I ask for forgiveness, nothing changes, I still feel the same. like my soul is condemed to hell, because I feel that I can not be forgiven. Until I confess to everyone, I don't feel I can be truley forgivin. And honestly I am not ready to tell anyone. So why I sit here with these burdens on my back, satan has a hold of my life, and he has me in these chains, that I can not break free from. God what do I do? I want to be your servant, but I know you can not fully use me, and I can never fully serve you, until I am forgiven, and satan is removed from my life... and I wrote that on feb 13.....

I am not saying that satan dwells in me, what I am saying is this...

I knew I wasn't living a good life, even though I loved God so much, and with allot of passion, my life was not where it fully needed to be, and that is why I could never move foward, and really live for God like he wanted me to. My questions to myself are... why did I wait so long to try to change what I knew was destroying me as a person? Why did I let it go so far, and get the best of me? Why couldn't I just trust God then, instead of waiting? There were so many opportunities, to make my life right, and I just turned them all away....

Never have I ever been able to say that I truly trust God UNTIL NOW!


You know I sit here, and ponder on all the years of my life that I have wasted... I see all these people hurting, because of me.

I can not even imagine how God has felt this whole time... really How hurt has he been? This whole time, he has loved me, never left myside, has helped me through so many situations, that I even question, why God? He has never givin up on me, He has loved me unconditionally... what have I done for him? Turned my back? I do admit I love God with all my heart, but at the same time, can I really say that? If all I have done, is be selfish, and live for me, and not for him? when he reached out, I didn't take his hand. when he said brittany I love you, I want you, I responded with a God I don't want to trust you, cause I'm afraid of the outcomes....

I feel like I have been chained to the world for a long time.... my hands out streched to heaven, reaching for God, but my feet never moving from the spot they were in... the bible says eventually your sin will find you out... wether it be hereon Earth or in Heaven, I can not even began to tell you how true that is!!!!

I have alot of things that I need to change, and do, to become who God desighned brittany to be, and not Britt'knee.............

I will say this...

Don't ever wait and say not now God, when God is reaching out for you, and telling you to come... lets make things new...